


I'm tired of being what you want me to be (every step that I take is another mistake to you)

by lesbianxshuri



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Needs a Hug, Alec works too hard, Angst, Gen, Post-Episode: s01e13 Morning Star, Post-Finale, Spoilers, and blaming everything on alec, and nobody notices or understand him, basically the aftermath of Morning Star, maryse being a bitch, raj may or may not have a crush on alec, robert in the background
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-05
Updated: 2016-05-05
Packaged: 2018-06-06 15:17:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6759280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbianxshuri/pseuds/lesbianxshuri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hodge had betrayed them. Jace was gone, having exchanged his life for his siblings. Valentine had the Cup and was problaby hard at work, creating new Shadowhunters. Camille was now free and roaming the New York streets, looking for her next victim. Alec had “humiliated” his family in front of the entire Institute by kissing a Downworder at his own wedding. </p><p>But hey! Jocelyn was awake, so there was that. </p><p>*</p><p>The aftermath of Morning Star.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm tired of being what you want me to be (every step that I take is another mistake to you)

**Author's Note:**

> Heya ! I'm back with a little one-shot that may or may not become the first part of a serie. It'll depend on the response and feedback this get.  
> Enjoy !
> 
> The title is taken from Linkin Park's Numb.

_**Alec felt numb.** _

 

He was aware of the people surrounding him, trying to get his attention, talking him. However, being aware of something and taking action were two different things. For the first time, Alec didn't knew how to take action. He was too – physically and emotionally - tired to think of a plan and neither Jace and Isabelle were there to suggest ideas. Not that he'd listen to them, anyway, but their presence usually helped. He'd ask his parents but his mother was too busy ignoring him and his father was too busy playing referee between the two of them. Alec had thought about asking Magnus before quickly dismissing the idea. They already had enough issues on their own.

 

Hodge had betrayed them. Jace was gone, having exchanged his life for his siblings. Valentine had the Cup and was problaby hard at work, creating new Shadowhunters. Camille was now free and roaming the New York streets, looking for her next victim. Alec had “humiliated” his family in front of the entire Institute by kissing a Downworder at his own wedding.

 

But _hey!_ Jocelyn was awake, so there was that.

 

Despite everything that had happened – good or bad (mostly bad) – Alec couldn't get himself to feel anything. He didn't know if it was a good or a bad thing. It had been a good thing when he was comforting a crying Clary earlier. He thought it had been a good thing when confronting Magnus. He knew it had been a good thing when he had to pry Isabelle from a punching bag and force into her room. After all, weren't emotions supposed to be a distraction?

 

Weirdly, the numbness felt good. It kept Alec grounded and stopped him from having a breakdown. Or punching something. Or someone. Someone that kept snapping his fingers in front of his face.

 

“ _Lightwood!_ ”

 

Alec let out a breath through his nose before turning to Raj, the latter staring at him, his jaw clenched. What had he done to anger him too, Alec didn't know but he was too tired to care. Clearing his throat, Alec cocked an eyebrow and crossed his arms against his chest.

 

“What is it?”

 

“Seriously, what is _wrong_ with you?” Raj spat, his eyebrows pursed and his eyes narrowed. “I've been trying to get to you for the last ten minutes.”

 

“Yeah, sorry. I've been-” Alec sighed, rubbing his face with his hands before crossing both of them behind his neck. “There's a lot of things on my mind right now, I'm kinda out of it.”

 

“I noticed.” Raj muttered, ignoring Alec's glare – when had people started to undermine his authority – and returning his attention to the file in his hands. “Anyway, Clearweather's interrogatory is over, he'll be escorted to Idris in the morning.”

 

“Great.” Alec was aware of his parents walking toward them, but he didn't adknowledge him. Instead, he crossed his arms and frowned, interested. “And did he say anything about where Valentine could've gone to?”

 

“Nope, said that Valentine wanted nothing to do with him as soon as he gave him the Cup. He insisted he knew nothing.” Raj replied, crossing his arms. “You think he's telling the truth?”

 

Alec snorted and threw Raj a blank look.

 

“The guy's being lying to us for decades, I'm not the good person to ask that.” With a sigh, Alec rubbed his face with both of his hands and slowly dragged them off his face. “We can't do anything but wait for the trial. Is there anything else?”

 

“Yep.” Handing the folder to Alec, Raj explained, “it just came in, Raphael Santiago was forbidden any Shadowhunter to enter their territory.”

 

“What?” Alec's head snapped up.

 

“ _What?!_ ” Maryse echoed, snatching the the file out of her son's hands before he even had the time to react. “' _As a result of breaking the Accords, the alliance between Shadowhunters and the Vampire Clan of New York has been declared void. If any of your kind should be seen around the Dumort Hotel, we won't hesitate to attack and defend ourselves.'_ ” Alec couldn't help but wince as his mother's voice got higher as she read. Maryse closed the folder and looked up at him, her hands trembling “You _broke_ the Accords?”

 

Alec shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. Behind his wife, Robert stood with a confused frown and his arms crossed.

 

“I thought Camille Belcourt was the leader of the Vampire Clan.”

 

“Well, a lot can happen in two weeks.” Alec retorted, with a careless shrug and a bitter smile. _God,_ how did _that_ came back to bite him in the ass? “And no, we didn't break the Accords.” He replied, turning to his mother. _They broke them first,_ he added inwardly, _and I was stupid enough not to report it._

 

“Obviously, you _did.”_ Maryse spat, shoving the file back into Alec's hands. “I've said it to Isabelle number of times, but I didn't think _you_ needed to be reminded that Shadowhunters do not affiliate with Downworlders. They're unpredictable creatures, anything can them set off.” Alec didn't try to hide the scowl that appeared on his face but his mother was too wrapped up in her rant to notice. “I thought that you were smarter than that Alexander.”

 

“I _am._ Mom, I told you, we didn't-”

 

“You've managed to lose the Cup to Valentine and break the Accords in one day. Obviously, you must be doing something wrong.” Maryse countered with a glare, pacing. “We have to act before the Clave learns about this, do damage controle. I want _you_ to take care of it and-”

 

Maybe it was the conscending tone and harsh words his mother threw at him, maybe the last few days caught up to him, maybe he was tired to be ignored and having his authority disregarded. Whatever it was, it was enough to make Alec snap.

 

“I'm really _tired!_ ” Alec interrupted Maryse's rant. And based on the bemused and slightly shocked glances he received from nearby shadowhunters and both his parents, he had did so quietl loudly. Ignoring them, Alec kept staring at his mother's, matching her wide-eyed open look with one his own. “Now, I know that this isn't an valuable excuse to give, but I _am._ I'm exhausted.” He admitted with a dry, humorless chuckle. Alec ignored his voice cracking and his eyes prickling. “During those last couple of weeks, I've been doing a lot of running _. Literaly._ Running after Clary, after Izzy, after Jace. Even after _you_! I tried to do everything I could to please everyone. I _tried_ to follow the rules, to be the leader everyone expected me to be. But in the end,” Alec shrugged helplessly, “it was all for nothing.”

 

Alec was aware of the silence that had suddenly fallen, following his outburst. He was aware that all glances were turned to him. Somehow, he didn't care. He was too _tired_ to care. From the corner of his eye, he could see his father stepping from behind his mother and taking a few steps toward him, a placating hand up.

 

“Alec-”

 

“And I'm sorry. _Truly._ I know I'm not the perfect son you wanted me to be, I know I probably ruined our reputation and that you'll probably never forget me for it. But it doesn't get you the right to blame me for everything that has gone wrong. I'm not the one who stole the Cup, I'm not the one who broke the Accords with the vampires and I'm not the one who betrayed you. I know a lot of you lost faith in me.” Alec spoke louder, his gaze finally leaving his mother's to look around the now silent Ops Center. Some avoided his gaze while others returned it, unfazed. “And I really don't care if you like me or not, if you don't agree with the choices I made. That's not what matters. What _matters_ is that I'm still here and at the end of the day, I'll still be here bossing you around and protecting your asses.” His corners of his lips twitched when he heard someone whoop. “Whether you like it or not.”

 

Regaining his composure, Alec ignored his parents and turned back to Raj, shoving the file back in his hands. The latter was watching him with a look that Alec didn't recognize.

 

“Right now, the priority is finding Valentine and the Cup. We'll deal with Santiago later, I don't believe he'll dare to make a move against the Institute, we've got too much leverage against the vampire clan.”

 

“You c _an not_ make a decision based on what you're feeling, Alec!” Maryse admonished, apparently having regained the power of tongue. “The Vampire Clan isn't to be taken lightly, they could start a war.”

 

Letting out a breath, Alec turned to his mother and threw a blank look at her.

 

“We're _already_ at war, mother.” Maryse gaped at him, speechles, while his father looked at him in an almost pitying way that Alec didn't understand. He chose to ignore it and crossed his hands behind his back. “Now, if you don't need me anymore, I need to go check on Clary and her mother.”

 

Robert gave him a small nod, which he returned before walking down the stairs. People parted like the Red Sea when he walked out of the Ops Center. Even if they didn't like him, no one was stupid enough to stand in the path of a Lightwood.

 


End file.
